Emo of Perplexity

I replied nonchalantly telling him I'm gonna work and may him have a nice day ahead because I wouldn't like to say much to him. However, my mind is perplexed and I'm really not in the mood to work. He said something that's really pissing me off! Babe I'm not doing charity in this relationship that I'm always the one who give while you're like taking things for granted.

It's been a month we've been together and I'm still the one who travel back and forth to see you every week. Though it's just a half an hour journey but why you couldn't even come to see me once? When I tell you this, you condemned that I'm complaining much and being calculative to you. You claimed that I'm always hanging out with my friends in island and I shouldn't have put this argument to you. But you just didn't get to understand! You have always said we both need to work hard together and we should give and take for each other. Babe isn't it irony?

I'm not begging for the return but at least don't let me be underappreciated. Love is really simple for me. It's kinda cliche but I'm more than glad if you could appreciate and cherish me like the way I do. Recently, my mood fluctuates unstably like I'm having AV ("auntie visits" or PMS) LOL. I'm always feeling down and getting emo easily. Damn! I'm doing my best to love and cherish you but please don't take away the mere pride I could ever have for myself. Love can be really fragile. Sometimes I really think nothing lasts forever as everything fades away. Babe if you really love, don't just stand on your ground and tell but prove to me..

I'm kind of person who always think too much and over-worried. And you knew that. But sometimes what you've done has really worsened it and puzzled me. Sometimes I refrain to love because I'm scared of getting hurt again. And when I do, I'd doubt if you do. I even start to doubt myself that maybe I don't really love you. But I'm wrong and I'm loving you! . My love life hadn't been smooth ever before. I trusted people easily and gave my heart too soon. I thought you'd be different and I'm still hoping you to be different. Now I'm perplexed with insecurities. I don't feel like talking when I'm emo-ing. Hush, babe..

~Perhaps, Pretend is not hurting but Pathetic~

New Year Prayers

Dear God,

Here's my New Year Wishes.

I pray hard for my family to stay healthy, wealthy and happy.
Save my mom from being such a gambler. Mom I really don't like to hate you especially when you throw your tantrums on us everytime you lose your luck in gambling! So please don't make me to. My heart pinches everytime you and dad fight!

Hope my company retrenchment won't strike me to be unemployed because I still haven't found a sugar daddy to pamper me yet..LOL. How cruel and pity if a lengcai dies of starving hor? LOL

Last but not least, I know immortality does not exist and beauty fades away. However, pray hard that aging won't attack me..it's impossible though but at least can slow down and my lengcai face remains till I'm 65 ( I wouldn't like to see myself getting older than this age LOL). Perhaps I promise I won't be slut no more and in fact I'm not a slut ^.^

I'm not greedy. I only have 3 wishes right now. Others I'll save it for Santa or whatever LOL! Just wish that everything goes fine and smooth lar =)

Thank God..

Thank You

I came back late last nite at around 12am. I turned on my pc and went to my blog, I was really shocked and yet excited seeing there are 8 comments out there..I'm vain..LOL

First of all, I would like to thank lengcai bitchy Yannic for promoting this blog. As a return of this good deed, bitchy Yannic, you can somehow call me SLUT LOL..

Thanks for those who dropped by and gave their sincere comments here. I really appreciate it! Thanks for your time, your patience, your care, your hospitality and some of you guys.. your eye-candy, lengcai face..that's hot..LOL...lame =.="

Happy Niu(Cow) Year to all of you o(",)0
Stay healthy and lengcai!

Gem And Yolk

Last week, I chatted with bitchy Yannic when I was working. This hiao po asked me to get a webcam asap and I told him I was broke. He's shocked when I told him this since it was just the middle of January. Well, I'm not really broke but since last few months, I've restricted myself not to spend much by saving part of my salary into bank. He was surprised that I did my saving. According to him, gays aren't doing saving for themselves but spending much for their appearance instead. I was stunned and I felt hilarious about it.

Well, I'm not born with the silver spoon in mouth. My family was considered poor (now has turned better). Since I were minor, I never expected anything and never asked for anything from my parents. Logically speaking, I dare not to ask and expect. So, allow me to say, my parents are very lucky and blessed to have a son like me who is very thoughtful and filial since the young age LOL. The best thing was, I didn't envy my peers who could have anything they wished and desired for. I still remember that I was so yearning to have a BMX bicycle (BMX was one of the grand and fancy brand of bicycle back in the day) which costs about RM 80 and you know, during that time RM 80 was quite a fortune for God's sake! I realized that I'm too poor for it and I didn't ask my parents to buy for me either. Back then, it was my "dream car" LOL!

Now, my family is still staying in a rented house. It is pathetic to say that my parents haven't owned a house till now. My father has been working for almost 35 years and still couldn't afford a house. I ain't complaining or blaming but it's really bad for me. As the eldest son in family, it's kinda stressed that I maybe the one who is going to take over the responsibility and the step to buy a house. However, I haven't prepped for that and for sure I'm still not in that level to own a house since I've just started working for half a year.

My family is really different from others. My parents fight almost everyday because of money. Mom is a housewife but she's more a gambler. She gambles everyday and it's like a "job" to her. Hence, the money will never enough for her. The worst thing is she loses more than she wins and that's what makes she can't have enough money no matter how much my dad gives her. This scenario has been happened for several years. Mom has sort of mentally weakness after I was born (in Mandarin, it's called 产后忧郁症). Nonetheless, she will be more vulnerable when gambling because she can't endure the excitement and depression it brings. As what happened before, she had been admitted to hospital 2 times due to the gambling's over-excited! And before, mom had been admitted to hospital for almost 10 times due to this illness after gave birth to my siblings. Needless to say, it costs a fortune for my dad. I've seen mom's illness burst since I was small and I cried everytime she's sick. It was really scary and yet it's really sad to see mom sick. Till now, mom still needs to take medicine everyday to control her sickness and ease her sleep.

Gamblers are just like drug addicts and the addiction is really the scariest thing. They could hardly stop or quit! I hate gamblers (the ones that addict) beacause gambling can really shatter and collapse a family and even worst, broke! I think the money my mom lost would be enough to pay for a secondhand local car. If you ask me if I hate my mom, I would say yes. But she is still my mom, the one who gave birth to me and raised me up. She is a great mom when she doesn't gamble. Well, I'd like to think in different way-I should love mom more and put aside the hatred because I was born with a lengcai face LOL!

Nagging of a damn long story, the matter of fact is, I save for the rainy day. I bought insurance for my dad and it costs a lot since my dad is old. My dad doesn't even have any saving so I need to do it for myself and for my family in case of anything. I barely have any knowledges about investment therefore i think the best investment for the time being as the economy recession goes worse is to SAVE..LOL..

I have always thought that my family does affect me in my sexuality LOL. I'm too daunted and intimidated to get married and have a family that needs a huge responsibily. It becomes even worse when you have offpring as the responsibilty gets heavier. Perhaps, I'm just trying to find an excuse to make myself feel better LOL..and, perhaps I was born to be like this..G.A.Y..