彼岸

我走近那冰冷的灵柩
您那慈祥的容颜依旧
我伫立了好久
眼神放空停留

鼻子一酸我湿了双眼
不敢多看您一眼
深怕泪水决了堤
我努力把泪水往喉咽
不让您看见我伤心
好让您可走得安心

很想很想把您叫醒
告诉您那天色已亮
提醒您那咖啡已冰
很想一切像往常一样
看您拄着拐杖 步履蹒跚
听您娓娓侃谈 嘘寒问暖
那昔日的习惯
今天已是奢望

今天您离开了
那一辈子的沉睡
化作彼岸的眼泪
远方的婆婆
您都看到了吗？


2009年6月5日悼

灵祷

回忆 像旧电影放映般在倒带
曾经 美好的片刻萦绕在脑海
然而 颦蹙地苦笑着我的现在
像是 无奈地感慨着我的感慨
抑或 冷眼地嘲笑着我的悲哀

在你们面前 我变得沉默
那并非我想 对你们冷漠
或许我真的累了
也不想再执著了
反正是我决定自己的快乐

那情节上演若干年
歇斯底里的嘶吼声
散落化作泪水的咸
像是桎梏捆住般残酷
那是让人窒息的包袱

是我太贪心
还是我悲观
曾几何时啊
那小小愿望
变成了奢望

每一个夜晚 我默默地祈祷
好让上帝把我小小愿望记牢
愿他别忘了对我爸妈的眷顾
简单的快乐是我唯一的祝福

我没有勇气期待
更不可能依赖
我有的只是现在
去报答您的爱

我学会放下了
也会试着莞尔
珍惜每一刻
虽然一切定了格
可我不愿把遗憾
埋葬到彼岸

Token of Love

It's been a week I left my silver burial yard desolated. For the last couple of days, I was kind of not in the mood and have no feeling to blog. I'm kinda person that go with my feelings. When I have no mood or no feeling, things that I'm doing wouldn't have worked out. I even have the same token for love. As for me, feeling is important in love.

To be frank, my feelings for him was less and that makes me perplexed. I've never had this sort of perplexity before for my exes. I asked myself if i really love him but i couldn't have the answer for it. Things have got a little confused when i was so reluctant to reply and tell him those three words everytime he said those words to me.

I remember there was a time he called me after work and i had just got back home after work as well.

"Dear, i miss you all day...i really miss you so much...do you miss me?" he asked in anticipation for my answer. I knew what he was thinking and anticipating that answer "YES".

I then replied without any hesitation telling him, "No..."
OMG..what the hell was i saying? I was really bad to say that word NO without hesitating for a second!

I was then continued with chuckle, "Babe, I did miss you one second before you call me...and now we are talking so there is no need to miss you already haha..."

I wanted to slap myself for being such a badass. Why couldn't i just tell him what he wanted to hear? Why was it so hard to tell a lie that means a candy to him? Why i just couldn't tell him i miss him too to make him happy? I was really an idiot dork!

In fact, I know myself well. I am a straight-forward kind of guy and i just couldn't disguise myself to say something that my heart's not in it. I know I've brought him down several times and sometimes my words really torn him apart. Babe I'm really sorry...

I went to my babe's house last week and I was really happy to be with him. He treated me so well and I felt like I've been spilled and tainted with all his loves and cares. I love the way he feels me, hugs me and loves me. I enjoyed every little romance he gave me and filled me. I've seen more than i used to know about him during those times in his house. He did everything he could to make me happy and told me that seeing I'm happy means a lot to him. He always puts me first than himself. This is what i could hardly treat him in the same way as i love myself more. But now, I'm gonna share the love i have for myself to him more LOL.

I remember vividly that he told me, "Dear, if being with me makes you unhappy and stressed then i would rather hurt myself by letting you go. I want you to be happy." I was really touched and my eyes were brimmed in tears. His sheer love for me is strong and unconditional. I misunderstood him that he doesn't really love me but now i'm the one to be blamed. I told myself since then, I want myself seeing him more and don't wanna let myself be blinded again. I wanna try my very best to love and cherish this man.

Hao po Yannic was right. He told me to cherish this man as it's really hard to find one who loves you much and loyal to you. Hao po Yannic is my good net friend whom i can strip all my disguise and share with him my personal things. It's kinda peculiar that he's just like my person whom i can trust though we haven't met each other LOL!

Babe if you have the chance to see this I want you to know that I'm blessed to have you with me and how good it would have felt to be cared and loved by you. I hope it is not too late to mend the past that I've put you through. I know that blissfulness and happiness do not come easily. Babe I really appreciate what you have done and still do. You give me the love that I couldn't afford to lose. I started to dream about the future with you. I love you...

Never thought that he's the one who could have been now. I guess, the feeling might be important but love can surpass everything. I've got my courage back to love. I always tell myself, i want to love my lover with my whole heart so that i have no regrets even if we break up one day. And more, I don't wanna be regret for him to walk away one day.

Deep inside my heart, I truly know that everything fades away. I'm not being pessimistic. Instead, I'm being positive to cherish people i love everyday and if things come in kinder way or perfect way then it would be a bonus for me. I want to love him more before it's too late. I don't want a broken heart as if i don't want him to be broken-hearted. Some people wish to be loved rather than to love. To be loved or to love? Sometimes it is not about to choose. Love takes place in the mutual way as if love is about the coexistence of each other.

Valentine's day is around the corner. I'm glad my babe has already planned for it. A simple romance would actually please me. No need to buy me any valentine's gift but if babe you insist then i won't decline also la LOL. Being together with you has already been the best romance and invaluable Valentine's gift for me.

Happy Valentine's day to all of u guys in advance. Best wishes to all gay couples in the world and for those who are still single, love yourself first and may you find one in near future LOL! ^_*

Nite to my babe..nite to the world. Sleep tight. Dawn will be soon arrived and tomorrow will be a better day. ^_^

*Kill the lights*

Heaven On Earth

Grey's Anatomy, my favourite US TV series ever; I would say it's the best US TV series I've ever watched and in fact I've only watched two US TV series before that were QAF and Heroes LOL! I think most people know that this series is about the doctors and saving life. The greatness about this series is every episode brings me in tears LOL. It's a really touching series and this is what I'm gravitated to. It's about loves, cares, tears and life that encounter and assemble in and out of the hospital.

Hospital, a space that links between heaven (hell) and earth. People die (presume they go to heaven not hell ^_^) and people get back their life there (earth). Miracle happens and doom overwhelms. Doctors are there to save life. But what would a doctor do and handle when it comes to a dilemma whether to save a kid's life who's on the brink of death and give up a serial killer's life who will be sentenced to death? The kid is dying and waiting for the donor. Presume that the only donor who's a match is a prisoner who has a severe stabbing injury in his spine and will be sentenced for death in couple of days. And the kid has not much time that left. What would the doctors choose to be? A surgeon who saves the kid's life or a executioner who takes away the prisoner's life for saving the kid? Things change and whether it's good or evil, it's all in a slip of the thoughts. For most people, hospital is like a jinx or hoodoo place that resembles death, or more likely it's called, a limbo.

~SilverAngel ^^~

I've been admitted to hospital once and it was a year ago. I was suffering appendicitis and it happened so acutely. This simple surgery nearly costs me my life and I'm not exaggerated. I was first admitted to government hospital because I haven't bought personal insurance to cover the charge that time and I didn't want to burden my parents. For God's sake, I didn't even allow eating anything or seeping a drip of water for the first 8 hours before the surgery. I felt that I was dehydrating and my organs were dried to dead. And gosh, I felt like my face were collapsed and folded with wrinkles. I was so worried my lengcai face will be damaged after that LOL. The worst thing is my surgery kept delaying and I was like a half dead man lying on the bed waiting to be executed anytime if I was that lucky one who's picked by the God of Death. But it was kinda good thing for the surgery to be delayed because I can at least eat something and rehydrate myself.

That night while waiting, out of sudden, I felt that I could hardly breathe and almost suffocated. It felt like my intestines, bowels, stomach and diaphragm going all the way up and pushing my lungs that brought me to suffocate. I was seizing on the brink of death and I kept telling myself that I don't want to die in a government hospital LOL. I've had a hunch that my appy was burst. However, God's mercy on this lengcai and I was like escaped from the limbo that finally I could be able to catch my breath slowly ^_^. It still gives me the creeps untill now whenever I recall this nightmare. Hell I was staying in that stupid hospital for almost 26 hours without having any doctor to perform an appendectomy for me. WTF! Therefore, never send yourself to government hospital if you're suffering any acute illness.

I was then transferred to private hospital. Soon after I had admitted, I was sent to the OR (operation room) for the surgery. After the surgery, the doctor told me that my appy was burst and luckily it's not too late. Though appendectomy is quite a minor surgery, it is fatal if the appy is burst due to the toxin that spreads in the body. After the surgery, I had to take those antibiotics, painkillers and colourful medicine and it's really scary. I discharged from the hospital after 5 days. After few days, I was re-admitted to the hospital due to the fever. Fever is quite serious if it occurs after the surgery for it maybe a symptom of infection of the burst appy in the body. I spent another 3 days in the hospital..damn!

My luck sucked to the max that time after I went back from KL to my hometown. My wound was infected and it came out with the pass. I nearly cried seeing the pass coming out between the joints of the suture. I was then admitted to the hospital AGAIN. Gosh! I was lying on the bed and was like waiting to be slaughtered. The nurse was gonna to take out the stitches without anesthetic! I kept asking if it hurts and she said it won't hurt. It was the first time I felt like the nurse was lying to a patient LOL. The process wasn't hurt but the fears that conquered me made me feel hurt. What would the wound look like after the stitches being taken out? Yes it looks like a half-opened mouth for God's sake! I didn't even dare to see the wound's new face! It must be bloody underneath and maybe I can see through my organs inside LOL! With the wound half-opened, the nurse used the gauze and did the wound dressing (washing the wound with antiseptic). My hands were held in fist and I was kinda shivering. It pained me down to my spine and core! T_T

I still remember it was a hungry ghost's month that time and I was staying in the hospital alone! I called my hub (who happens to be my ex now) to come and accompany me but damn he'd rather leave me alone there. It was damn cold in the hospital so I just asked him to bring me a sweater. He came and left after half an hour. I was depressing and I asked myself what did I get after all for loving a person so much? Well, I didn't even get a tiny mercy. I was damn sick that time and he could just leave when I needed him the most! My tears burst out but I couldn't cry...it would hurt my wound T_T ..Since then, I've got my strength back and started to let go of him gradually. And I have just found out from one of his friends that he cheated on me with another guy when I was sick that time!

~Love hurts actually as Yanny said~

It is quite a long and deep scar under my waist though my friends claim that it looks man and cool =.=". The scar reminds me of things that will never be forgotten. It taught me about life and makes me a fighter for the tears I had shed. I thank God for having my lovely family and all my good friends who really care for me and they showed up when I need them and help me pull through my tribulation and tough time. My mom who has been taking so good care of me and endured all my tantrums that I've put on her when I was in hospital, I'm sorry and I love you mom! My dad who has been so supportive and always concerns about me, I hope I' ll reincarnate to be your son for the next life! I'm really blessed and I hope I can have my family back as what it was.

Life is short. We will never know what will happen tomorrow. It pinches me to see my parents are getting older with more and more wrinkles on face and hairs in white. I am so so so scared of losing my parents one day though I know death is inevitable. I don't even dare to think about it. Sometimes I hope I'd die first rather to see they leaving me. I would sure be crumbled and crying 'till I'm dehydrated! I've watched my uncle dying. It really grieved me and I cried so so badly.

Where is heaven? Where is hell? Do you believe in heaven and hell? I do believe that they exist. Because without a heaven; without a hell, we're all just headed for limbo. But..it doesn't really important for me whether they exist. For what that matters is, cherish the people you love and who loves you because they are your persons, your godsends as Heaven On Earth...

~I hope I can peace with my loved ones no matter where would I be~

Emo of Perplexity

I replied nonchalantly telling him I'm gonna work and may him have a nice day ahead because I wouldn't like to say much to him. However, my mind is perplexed and I'm really not in the mood to work. He said something that's really pissing me off! Babe I'm not doing charity in this relationship that I'm always the one who give while you're like taking things for granted.

It's been a month we've been together and I'm still the one who travel back and forth to see you every week. Though it's just a half an hour journey but why you couldn't even come to see me once? When I tell you this, you condemned that I'm complaining much and being calculative to you. You claimed that I'm always hanging out with my friends in island and I shouldn't have put this argument to you. But you just didn't get to understand! You have always said we both need to work hard together and we should give and take for each other. Babe isn't it irony?

I'm not begging for the return but at least don't let me be underappreciated. Love is really simple for me. It's kinda cliche but I'm more than glad if you could appreciate and cherish me like the way I do. Recently, my mood fluctuates unstably like I'm having AV ("auntie visits" or PMS) LOL. I'm always feeling down and getting emo easily. Damn! I'm doing my best to love and cherish you but please don't take away the mere pride I could ever have for myself. Love can be really fragile. Sometimes I really think nothing lasts forever as everything fades away. Babe if you really love, don't just stand on your ground and tell but prove to me..

I'm kind of person who always think too much and over-worried. And you knew that. But sometimes what you've done has really worsened it and puzzled me. Sometimes I refrain to love because I'm scared of getting hurt again. And when I do, I'd doubt if you do. I even start to doubt myself that maybe I don't really love you. But I'm wrong and I'm loving you! . My love life hadn't been smooth ever before. I trusted people easily and gave my heart too soon. I thought you'd be different and I'm still hoping you to be different. Now I'm perplexed with insecurities. I don't feel like talking when I'm emo-ing. Hush, babe..

~Perhaps, Pretend is not hurting but Pathetic~

New Year Prayers

Dear God,

Here's my New Year Wishes.

I pray hard for my family to stay healthy, wealthy and happy.
Save my mom from being such a gambler. Mom I really don't like to hate you especially when you throw your tantrums on us everytime you lose your luck in gambling! So please don't make me to. My heart pinches everytime you and dad fight!

Hope my company retrenchment won't strike me to be unemployed because I still haven't found a sugar daddy to pamper me yet..LOL. How cruel and pity if a lengcai dies of starving hor? LOL

Last but not least, I know immortality does not exist and beauty fades away. However, pray hard that aging won't attack me..it's impossible though but at least can slow down and my lengcai face remains till I'm 65 ( I wouldn't like to see myself getting older than this age LOL). Perhaps I promise I won't be slut no more and in fact I'm not a slut ^.^

I'm not greedy. I only have 3 wishes right now. Others I'll save it for Santa or whatever LOL! Just wish that everything goes fine and smooth lar =)

Thank God..

Thank You

I came back late last nite at around 12am. I turned on my pc and went to my blog, I was really shocked and yet excited seeing there are 8 comments out there..I'm vain..LOL

First of all, I would like to thank lengcai bitchy Yannic for promoting this blog. As a return of this good deed, bitchy Yannic, you can somehow call me SLUT LOL..

Thanks for those who dropped by and gave their sincere comments here. I really appreciate it! Thanks for your time, your patience, your care, your hospitality and some of you guys.. your eye-candy, lengcai face..that's hot..LOL...lame =.="

Happy Niu(Cow) Year to all of you o(",)0
Stay healthy and lengcai!

Gem And Yolk

Last week, I chatted with bitchy Yannic when I was working. This hiao po asked me to get a webcam asap and I told him I was broke. He's shocked when I told him this since it was just the middle of January. Well, I'm not really broke but since last few months, I've restricted myself not to spend much by saving part of my salary into bank. He was surprised that I did my saving. According to him, gays aren't doing saving for themselves but spending much for their appearance instead. I was stunned and I felt hilarious about it.

Well, I'm not born with the silver spoon in mouth. My family was considered poor (now has turned better). Since I were minor, I never expected anything and never asked for anything from my parents. Logically speaking, I dare not to ask and expect. So, allow me to say, my parents are very lucky and blessed to have a son like me who is very thoughtful and filial since the young age LOL. The best thing was, I didn't envy my peers who could have anything they wished and desired for. I still remember that I was so yearning to have a BMX bicycle (BMX was one of the grand and fancy brand of bicycle back in the day) which costs about RM 80 and you know, during that time RM 80 was quite a fortune for God's sake! I realized that I'm too poor for it and I didn't ask my parents to buy for me either. Back then, it was my "dream car" LOL!

Now, my family is still staying in a rented house. It is pathetic to say that my parents haven't owned a house till now. My father has been working for almost 35 years and still couldn't afford a house. I ain't complaining or blaming but it's really bad for me. As the eldest son in family, it's kinda stressed that I maybe the one who is going to take over the responsibility and the step to buy a house. However, I haven't prepped for that and for sure I'm still not in that level to own a house since I've just started working for half a year.

My family is really different from others. My parents fight almost everyday because of money. Mom is a housewife but she's more a gambler. She gambles everyday and it's like a "job" to her. Hence, the money will never enough for her. The worst thing is she loses more than she wins and that's what makes she can't have enough money no matter how much my dad gives her. This scenario has been happened for several years. Mom has sort of mentally weakness after I was born (in Mandarin, it's called 产后忧郁症). Nonetheless, she will be more vulnerable when gambling because she can't endure the excitement and depression it brings. As what happened before, she had been admitted to hospital 2 times due to the gambling's over-excited! And before, mom had been admitted to hospital for almost 10 times due to this illness after gave birth to my siblings. Needless to say, it costs a fortune for my dad. I've seen mom's illness burst since I was small and I cried everytime she's sick. It was really scary and yet it's really sad to see mom sick. Till now, mom still needs to take medicine everyday to control her sickness and ease her sleep.

Gamblers are just like drug addicts and the addiction is really the scariest thing. They could hardly stop or quit! I hate gamblers (the ones that addict) beacause gambling can really shatter and collapse a family and even worst, broke! I think the money my mom lost would be enough to pay for a secondhand local car. If you ask me if I hate my mom, I would say yes. But she is still my mom, the one who gave birth to me and raised me up. She is a great mom when she doesn't gamble. Well, I'd like to think in different way-I should love mom more and put aside the hatred because I was born with a lengcai face LOL!

Nagging of a damn long story, the matter of fact is, I save for the rainy day. I bought insurance for my dad and it costs a lot since my dad is old. My dad doesn't even have any saving so I need to do it for myself and for my family in case of anything. I barely have any knowledges about investment therefore i think the best investment for the time being as the economy recession goes worse is to SAVE..LOL..

I have always thought that my family does affect me in my sexuality LOL. I'm too daunted and intimidated to get married and have a family that needs a huge responsibily. It becomes even worse when you have offpring as the responsibilty gets heavier. Perhaps, I'm just trying to find an excuse to make myself feel better LOL..and, perhaps I was born to be like this..G.A.Y..